House Full of Sickies...

I am writing this post while I still can before the medicine kicks in and I'm passed out again lol. If it doesn't make much sense then my apologies ;-). 

So this 3 day weekend wasn't what we anticipated it to be whatsoever. We were planning a date night (like we normally do on weekends) going out seeing a movie, finding some nearby parks, exploring brick town a little more... None of that happened... Saturday, Ethan started noticing he wasn't feeling well. Achy, head hurts, soar throat, typical flu stuff. I hadn't been feeling well either but mine was more localized to my lower stomach/ pelvic area, and it started out like cramps, and would occasionally become sharp. So we both decided to take it easy, stayed home, laid down, and watched some TV. That night is now burned in my memory as one of the most painful nights of my life now. At around 8:30 we were watching supernatural, and I was feeling really dizzy, and lightheaded. I was seeing black and white spots everywhere and I felt faint, so I told Ethan and we both went to bed. Within the next hour I had a full blown migraine and the pain I was feeling in my abdomin earlier, was now crippling me over, making me immobile. I had never felt anything like that before, and I was terrified. So was Ethan, because, apparently... We learned that night, that when someone experiences that type of pain for a certain amount of time, they start passing out... A lot, because it's their body's way of saying 'OK, I've had enough... I'm just gonna go to sleep for about 30 seconds.' According to Ethan I passed out about 15+ times in a span of 6 hours. He really wanted me to go to the hospital, but I (like my father before me) am STUBBORN. He was ready to call an ambulance. I told him I would go in the morning (which now he says he will NEVER take that excuse again, and if he thinks I need to go to the hospital, he's taking me right then.) In the end it turned out to be a good thing that I went the next day, because with tricare (military insurance) you're supposed to go to the clinic on base, and if they can't help you, they will give you a referral to a place off base... If you don't have that referral you will be paying for your hospital visit... That would have been bad for us (especially after all the blood work... Yikes!) So instead of that happening Ethan called the clinic and we got our referral... The nurse said to take me in immediately, that it was marked as an emergency, and in case I needed surgery, not to let me eat or drink anything. When I got there they immediately started an IV... they didn't like me for it either... I warned them before hand that every time i've given blood or had an IV before that i'm a tough one to poke. 20 minutes and 2 tries later they got it, and they took 2 vials of blood, which apparently I was being stingy with, because I was so dehydrated (I was a mess.) The doctor came in and gave us a game plan and ordered me some pain meds. They performed several tests including a CT scan, and found a pelvic infection. They said they're not positive that's what it was because I shouldn't have been in that much pain, so they gave me 2 choices... Be admitted and run countless more tests, or treat it like a pelvic infection and send me home. I told them to send me home on the medication, and they told me to watch VERY carefully and if I'm not feeling better in a day or 2 to come back immediately. They sent me home on some really strong pain meds (they make me dizzy, groggy, woozy, and nauseous) and nausea medicine (which helps with the nausea that isn't caused by the pain medicine, but doesn't help with the nausea after I take the pain medicine) and a lot of antibiotics that I had never heard before. So far whenever the pain medicine wears off I still feel very sharp pain in my abdomen, so we're watching that and if it doesn't go away by tomorrow, we'll go back in. *Side note, I've fallen asleep 7 times since I started writing this post yesterday morning... 

So as of right now, Chief is the only one in our family who isn't sick, but he sure loves to cuddle and try his best to make us feel better. 

Words bring me back to a time...

I could never express how much I love words. Reading, writing, speaking... They'll always capture me and send me places that the other love languages (actions, touch, gifts, time) don't compare to. Not that words are better than some of those languages; just different for me. I was reading something this morning, in another friend's blog, that talked about falling in love, and taking your time to remember every detail about how it all felt, and that threw me back to those days in the fall of 2014 where Ethan and I would go to the park at 8:30 at night, and swing on the swings, stargazing, and telling each other just about everything, learning more and more about each other, and falling in love with one another. The times where we would go on random adventures, like to the caves out in Shasta, and we would hike around all day, and spend that time discussing what we liked, what we didn't. Laughing and chasing one another. I often go back to the first time we went out to the Bizz Johnson Trail in Northern California, before we were even dating, and think about how we climbed over rocks on the river, until we found this one that we could lay on and look up at the sky. How Ethan scooted his hand towards mine, and wove his fingers between mine, and how safe I felt in that moment. I go back to the night he asked me to be his girlfriend, (a week after the Bizz Johnson) how we walked around the park for hours, and played our guitars together. Sometimes I'll read something, or I'll be writing about something totally different, or Ethan will say something and it'll throw me back to memories like these, and I can't help the urge to write about them. The urge to document them so I can remember them, in detail, forever. It all goes by so fast! One day we're out in the rain, watching the waterfall, too happy where we are to go home, and the next we're married! 

Give me words that bring me back to those times and I could write for hours. Writing just always has and I believe will continue to take me away to those dreamlike places in my head where everything is good, and time seems nonexistent. Just like a photographer can look at her work and see her memories in her art, and a composer can hear his song and listen to his memories, a person who likes to write can read their stories and re-live those beautiful times over and over again, as many times as they'd like. I want to take time to reflect on these memories, and I want to write about them, in striking detail-- not completely on the blog (though I do like to share things like this), not on social media, but in my own journals, for my own enjoyment, so I can remember what the leaves felt like as they crunched beneath my feet that day, and if I even noticed it or if I was too caught up or distracted in a conversation that completely enthralled me; so I can remember what I was thinking during that conversation. So I can remember the salty smell of the ocean that I so love, and the way it felt to watch the waves crawl up to our feet, making them disappear for a second while the crippling cold water swallowed them up and crept away again, and I can hear Ethan's steady breath off to the side as he watches the waves with just as much enjoyment as I do. So I can feel my heart thud violently inside my chest while repeating back my vows and the words "I do" to the man who will be by my side for the rest of my life. I just want to write stuff that sends shivers down my spine as I read it over again-- to write something that makes me feel so immensely, what's being described, so I can feel all of these emotions again and again. 

I wish I wrote the way I thought,

Obsessively,

incessantly

with maddening hunger,

I'd write to the point of suffocation

I'd write myself into nervous breakdowns,

Manuscripts spiraling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing 

and I'd write about you,

a lot more

than I should. ~ Benedict Smith

2016 Goals

I refuse to use the term 'resolutions.' I don't know why ;-)
Anyways these are just some of the things I'm going to work towards this year.

1) Of course, I'm going to work on being a good wife. Ethan deserves the very best and it brings me joy to see his happiness in our marriage. I was so scared when we got married that I would do so many things wrong, like burn dinner too often, or not know how to decorate our house, or wash his ABU's incorrectly or something. I've come to learn I'm a better cook than I thought I would be, It's easier to decorate a house than I thought it would be, and his ABU's aren't hard to clean at all. All of those fears were silly, and of course if I burn dinner, Ethan won't be upset about it. If I don't know where to hang a picture Ethan won't be upset about it, and if I mess up on washing his ABU's it could easily be fixed, and he won't be upset about it. Anyways, I just want to be the best wife possible for him. I want to always live up to my vows for him, of being his supporter, encourager, his best friend and faithful life partner.

2) I want to be a better pet owner. Not that I'm a bad one ha ha ;-) I'd say Chief is a pretty happy dog who is pretty spoiled. What I mean by this is I'd like to train him better. We rescued him when he was 9 months old. As far as we know he has had no previous training, and so he chews things up, he plays a little rough, he digs and so on. He's not a bad dog by any means... He's been a bit destructive, but he's a good dog. So far he's learned some things pretty quickly, like potty training. Now the only accidents he has is if Ethan and I are both gone at work all day, (we have to leave him inside because we haven't been able to get him in to the vet to get him chipped yet, so if he gets out of the backyard which is very possible, then anyone who finds him on base will need to take him back to the animal shelter) but other than that he's good about letting us know when he needs out. He's very smart, we just need to work with him a little more about the chewing.

3) Being a good employee. I work in sales and production with a small company that is currently working on expanding, and it's a job that I've never had experience with before. My first bigger project is working a bridal show in Oklahoma city this month and presenting our product and selling it. I've got 7 shows I'm working this year, and in between shows I'll be doing production, and working with the customized orders. It's definitely a job I'm excited about having, (especially since I'm working a lot of bridal shows, I've always loved the idea of working on weddings and stuff) and I'm excited to see where this opportunity takes me.

4) Writing everything down. Not necessarily in the blog, but just keeping track of things I want to remember in the future, or working on my creative writing a bit more, by writing more stories, or working on a book, or doing some more poetry. I actually have a writing project that I'm working on right now and I'm hoping to keep it up throughout the year. As far as the blog, I do want to post more in it. I find myself very insecure about a lot of it, because I've read several wonderful blogs, along the same line as what I'm trying to do with this one (just a day in the life of the Bevan household type thing... our stories, and what's going on with our family, pretty much just so our families can read if they're interested, and for me to look back on in the years to come) and I just don't think my blog comes close to the ones I've read, but I'm trying not to let those insecurities limit what I post and what I don't. Which leads me into my next "goal".

5) Working on that ongoing battle I've had for so long of not being insecure about EVERYTHING. I've come a very very long way already, but I think I still have a long way to go in this, wonderfully, terrifying journey of loving who I am. Confidence was such an issue for me for the longest time. I always wore baggy hoodies and jeans everywhere to cover up. I kept my hair in my face all the time so nobody could look at me, and I was very quiet in school (freshman and sophomore year), unless you really got to know me. I had a friend, who was just so confident, and we had gone through a lot of similar things, and I wanted so badly to have the confidence she had. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. It was one of the most frustrating things ever. It took me a long time to let go of some of my insecurities, but once I did, I became more of a social person (now people can't get me to shut up!) and I was a lot happier. I'm still working on it, and I think it's something I'll have to keep working on forever... It's just part of being human, but hey, it's a good goal to have.

6) This is kind of a big one. Figuring out what I want to do school wise. I honestly can not decide. My dream would be to become a nurse. It's what I've wanted to do since I was about 14. I kind of gave up on that after I moved away from a lot of the schools that I would have went to for that. Then I've looked at teaching. I would love to either teach a 1st or 2nd grade class, or an English high school course. But I've also looked at majoring in psychology, and minoring in the science of human behaviors, and doing all kinds of different things with that, like psychiatrist, school counselor, social worker. Then for a while there (I even posted about this one) I was looking at cosmetology. Right now I'm back on really wanting to do nursing, but that is a LOT of money, and there is also the fact that Ethan and I so far have been planning on me staying home once we have kids, which we're planning having a kid within the next 7 years, and so basically I'll have spent all of this time and money working towards a degree that I wouldn't be able to use yet. It's just something I'm not sure about.

I have a lot of high hopes for 2016 and I'm determined to make it a great year. I can't wait to see where it takes us.

Love is...

DISCLAIMER: I'm well aware of the fact that I'm only 18, and have been married for just short of 3 months. I know I may sound "juvenile" when I talk about "love, life, and marriage" because I'm new to the whole game. But I just wanted to post something that has been on my heart for a while. Something I've dedicated hours of my time to researching for lots of different reasons. That something is the term 'love.'

Even though I don't or haven't posted a "This is what I think" blog post before, I've been wanting to get around to posting this one for a while. There is a page on Facebook and Instagram, that I think every married person should follow. The page is called "Fierce Marriage" and they post all kinds of amazing things about how to be a Godly wife/husband, how to show God's love through your relationship and they're just all around one of my favorite pages. This morning around 2 (I was awake with a killer headache) I saw a post of theirs that said:

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is a lie. Love that begins and ends with your own happiness isn't love, it's selfishness with a mask on.

And I loved the honesty of it. Love isn't the same as romance or feelings. Feelings can come and go. You 'feel' that this individual in your life makes you happy, gives you butterflies, gives you all of their attention, and so you think you love them. Love is not based on what the other person can do for you. Love is sacrificial. It is a choice. Simply put: You can not expect the other person to always make you happy. You can not base your happiness on them. These expectations are harmful in a relationship and can and will lead to disappointments and unsatisfactory in the future. The only way to be fully satisfied in any relationship is with the love that God gives to us. God doesn't expect anything in return for his love. His love is not something that is bought. First he loves us. Then he gives us the free choice to follow him, (and if we don't choose to he still loves us.) Then out of love for him; we obey his word and seek to glorify him in everything we do. God is love. God does everything OUT OF love.
So. What is love? How is it defined? All questions I've researched.

The secular meaning of love is: (noun) an intense feeling of deep affection. (Verb) To feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.
Call me crazy but the second one sounds a lot more like "lust." Just like love can not be based off of your own happiness it definitely can not be based off of lust. Lust shouldn't even be in your relationship. Lust leads to very dangerous roads. Yes, the bible speaks of the husband being "satisfied by his wife's breasts," BUT it clearly says "may you always be captivated by her LOVE." Lust in marriage is sin. Lust speaks more of adultery. Lust is different from sexual desire with your husband/wife (eros love, it is the 'sensual' love between a husband and a wife, which is okay in the confines of marriage, but outside of marriage, is totally destructive.) Make sense? That is my issue with love being described as "a deep feeling of romance or sexual attachment." Now for a deep feeling of affection. Affection comes with love but that isn't what love IS.

The biblical meaning of what love is: (clearly stated in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy, nor does it boast. It is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
The bible states that God IS love. In genesis, for example; in the garden of Eden, God tells Adam not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and that if he does he will surely die. But when Adam disobeys God by taking the fruit and eating it with his wife, he does not die, instead God looks for him in the garden calling out "Where are you" He did not seek Adam to put him to death, rather he sought him to reestablish a relationship with him. God will not let sin separate us and him. God sent his son to the cross out of LOVE for us, so that our sins will be wiped clean.

Today the word love has been twisted into something it simply isn't. There are different types of love in the bible:
1) Storge love- Family love. The love we see between parents and their children.
2) Eros love- Sensual, something only to be kept in marriage.
3) Philia love- This is the type of love we are commanded to have for one another. (John 15:13 'Greater love hath no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends')
And finally 4) Agape love- This is the love Jesus displayed to us on the cross. This love doesn't come naturally to humans, and it is a verb. This love is displayed by what someone does.
None of these match up with what the secular definition of love is. There is nothing selfish about biblical love.
Rather than seeking love FROM other people we should be seeking to GIVE love to other people, without asking for anything in return.